In seeking consistency

When he said that it's been two years since we started dating, I was getting defensive because he had no clue the agony, disappointment and sadness he put me through. I think in his mind, we had been together for two years and life had always been wonderful since we started seeing one another. It's not a traditional dating arrangement, it's constant separation with a few intense encounters.

I had never gone back in time to read stories or to read emails that we had exchanged. Then I did. Then I realized something I did not realize before. His level of affection for me, via his late night emails, had never decreased. Every note he sent was a love note. He had never changed the way he felt about me, it was always passionate and loving. He always felt the same way about me, it was I who had changed, who had suspected that he did not love me, or he did not want me, it was I who thought he did not want to be with me any longer, It was always me. Reading the notes he sent me from two years ago to now, it sounded just the same - it could only mean that he still felt the same about me, he had loved me and would always love me. 

Realizing that was huge. For two years I cried more than I laughed when it came to dealing with my relationship with him. It was the long extended period of his absence that made me angry and upset, and frankly doubtful. But he was always consistent. He adored and loved me just the same. If that did not mean anything, then I would not know what would.

I had become a rational, calmer person. At the end of the day it's not the destination but the journey that mattered.

I had never been loved liked this. I had never loved another like this.

I couldn't live without him.

I had gone completely straight and clean. No other distractions. Work, family and he. 

It really was just that simple.

I should be more consistent, and I should be loving. I want to take care of him. To love him the way I knew how to love. To love him the way he deserve to be loved. To be a more complete person.

I must give it a try, for consistency purpose.