Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Not so pristine past and such a simple life now

An old fling calls. Have not spoken to him for some time. He's a weird guy who is involved with someone, I think he loves her but she does not, as she has never introduced him to her friends. She went away on a vacation and when she returns she'll call on him, have sex and leave. They don't do anything together, and he feels that he is used. But, I don't think he wants anything more, or he couldn't handle anything more. He likes to talk to me. I on occasion enjoy talking to him but it is not a life and death thing if I didn't hear from him for weeks or months. He tends to keep in touch with me and he thinks that I'm funny, hot and smart. But I don't respect him. I don't care for him. I sort of pity him because I find him mildly annoying. I also find him to be non accomplished - he's smart but he does not apply himself.

I like men who are accomplished, who can figure things out, who works hard and makes something out of nothing, who creates a niche market, who is an expert of something. I like very successful men because I am successful. I don't want to support others. I can afford a life without having to work hard. But I love working. I need to respect that person. I liked this man who is an old fling, but his only contribution to my life was that he was good in bed, many many moons ago, and smart in his own ways, but I don't care for his weirdness, and I don't care for how he was so hung up on seeing me as a lover and not as a friend and vise versa. At some point it got too old and I didn't want to create any false expectations. On top of it all, I don't love him. I sort of find him tiring and boring. I can only take him in small dosages.

I saw another friend for dinner. It was an innocent dinner. He was interviewing at a competitor's place, and I was giving him some tips about this space that is fairly new and cutting edge. Then we walked back home. He and I have become friends over the course of me removing them out of my life as lovers. I had no intention to pursue anything any more.

Betrayal is a bitter pill to swallow. I couldn't face myself in the end, as it turned out, open relationship, even if it's a side one, even if he and I are not married or living together, is a bad thing for me. It does not work because I was constantly conflicted, and I can only love one person and one person only, those fringe relationships made it difficult to handle my relationship with him because I started to doubt his intent with me - how could I be sure that he loved me if I could not love him and him alone?

The boy I saw for dinner is nordic and good looking by default. He's very tall and very young, a very attractive man who gets women wanting to flirt with him all the time. To think that I had him once and then just let him go is very gratifying. He clearly has no idea that women just find him extremely attractive. His nordic feature is very prominent. He is super smart and has a great family. To top it off, he and I get along well and we never got on each other's nerves.  We've always been very transparent with one another. He's a smart, confident man, and he's married, which of course in my book, a good thing. He tells me about his spouse and how they are trying for a baby. I just do not see him ever not be faithful to his wife, but it seems though for the time being, he has been, and that's a good thing.

When we dated, it was a regular once a week or once a month thing, but when we were not meeting up to fuck, we had lunches or dinners or drinks. We never counted dates, and we just talked to each other regularly. He cares about me and knows the inside and outside of me. He knows what to order for me. The longer I had been with him, the more comfortable it became. He took charge. He ordered and we split the bill. He knows me more than most men did. But I did not want him to fall for me. He always remembered when we saw each other last. I told him things that no one else knew. I told him about the man I am in love with and why I have to stop seeing him that way. He understands. At the end of the day. I just want to be loved and adored. I just want to love the person who loved me.

I know one day he'd be gone and I'd be OK. It's good to have a friend who knows so much about me. Someone who I was intimate with once, and knows why I need to store whoring around. I want to give this an earnest go. If the man I loves does not seem to get with the program, and know why I'm doing what I'm doing and knows what to do next, then it is what it is, at least I've tried.

We passed the condo where he owned a loft. That was when he all of sudden called out his wife's name. She had gotten out of class and was heading home and there we crossed path An inevitable introduction was needed. She's a pretty girl, white, blondish, with short hair and beautiful smile, but she had lots of wrinkles around her forehead and her face. She's short like me. It was dark and I was feeling redness coming onto my cheek bones, not because I had anything to do with her husband now but I knew A LOT of things about her, her likes and dislikes in bed, her mood swings and what she did last weekend. Her husband told me everything. How does it work? It feels like that I was the ex wife and he's now married to her but he's still close to me because I know too much about his past.

I recovered well in the darkness. I told her that I was helping her husband prepping for his interview and that I had shared with him the revenue model of my business. She then said "OK, and it was great to meet you." She said that he had told her about his upcoming interviews and that he had told me about me, she seemed so nice and innocent, it made me worried that it was a show, but perhaps not.

It's not the first nor the last time I made a wife jealous of my relationship with their spouse. Crap.

I hope no shit storm of any sort.

I missed him as I lay awake late at night.

My one and only. I know that he's busy with work. I think he does not necessarily feel the same way about me always. I think he makes contact when he needs me sexually. But I miss him and I do love him. I don't need anything or anyone else in my life to keep me distracted. Sexually I am fine being alone and if I were to see him, it's the only time I would ever have sex. I made a promise. I am finally clean. And committed.

I have completed my transformation. For the time being.

Now I wait.

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