Vulnerablity

While in the hospital, I thought a lot, cried a lot and just sort of sunk into a funk. I was in a lot of pain and the recovery period was longer than expected. I just drafted. I wanted to cry. Lately I have found myself crying a lot.

I think I push people away. I deny myself happiness and pleasure. I refuse to think that I could have them all. I push everyone away. Some wanted to stay with me so they do, they stay but they don't know how to make sense of me. They tend to have this really bizarre thinking about me.

C called while I was in the hospital and again tonight.

EB, aka Errand Boy often talk to me daily, and I don't want that to happen so much. I need breathing room.

Those were hovering during the last two days.

But really the only person I miss, the only person I love is B.

I can't imagine a world without B. I can't imagine not loving him, wanting to be with him and change my world for him.

I'm drowning my sorrow with the lack of definitively future with B.

I want him and only him. He's the reason of my being.

Yet I can't imagine that our lives ever would change. He would change for me.

So I would find a spot, for instance, in the hospital and just cry and cry.

I miss him more than he would ever know.

I love him more than anything else in the world.

But in reality, I must learn to distract myself, work, and be with my children and just be really not think about it.

The ship has sailed. I could no longer find happiness in my existing world. If my happiness is to be with him, I don't know how to get there, and my sorrow followed me.  Permanent sorrow. Permanent doubt. Thinking... Tomorrow is another day. I must learn to be tough, to be not vulnerable, to be incredibly determined that I shall be OK.