Safe return

For a long while, I was manic, lost, and impulsive. I had taken drugs to suppress my impulses, I had given myself excuses, I had lost touch with reality.

What is reality anyway? What is truth? Is reality the way we think we are living in or is reality the way others see the world?  Is truth what we have convinced ourselves to believe in or is truth the dead hard concrete evidence of absolute irrefutable fact?

I had gone around the world twice trying to find what was that I knew, what was that I felt, what was that I could tolerate and live with, and could not live without.

It was actually quite clear. 

I was not a polyamorous person. I was not someone who needed to constantly be stimulated by things and people. I was not someone who needed to have multiple lovers, and constant adoration from men.

I needed only one and one person only. Just like I was for twelve years, I had never ever contemplated with having any affairs with any man. But once I believed in something, and once I had convinced myself what was good for me, I went on that route and I did not look back.

I made many mistakes in my past two years of my life. I searched love in vain. I searched for meaning, inspiration, and feeling in wrong places. I kept on running the other way the moment I started to feel. I was worried that he would betray me, hurt me, and leave me. I wanted to shut my emotions off so that I could focus on pleasure. But how could you control your emotions? How could you hide the fact that you had loved someone passionately, completely and the world would be an empty place without him in it? 

I found adoring men in wrong places. I found wrong men to adore me. I found no sense of stimulation or inspiration. I found guilt. Weighing on me was the guilt that I developed the moment I let myself be made available to others, other men who I could care less whether they existed or not. I could careless because the only person I ever cared for, the only person I ever loved for, perhaps for years before and years after, was you, had always been you.

I didn't want other men. I didn't care about how or what they thought of me, I wanted them out of my life, vanish, disappear, so that I could be pure and simple again. At the risk of losing you, at the risk of being left with nothing, no one at all, I had to let them go so that I could feel clean again. It was an experiment at best, in the end.

I thought perhaps we humans could not be monogamous, we would still have urges to mate with others, we would be tempted by others, we would want to venture out when opportunity presented itself, I thought all those reading made me smart, made me want to be more receptive to the idea of open relationship, to share the person I love with others, to love one but still fucked another...

In the end, I realized that the most powerful thing in this world was simply love. Love someone and you would not want to be with another person again.

If this two years had taught me anything, it was that I could only feel complete when I loved one person and be with that one person, that one person alone. And that person was you.

Thankfully this experiment reconfirmed my own original theory, that was when I make a commitment I had adhere to it. I had always been a rather faithful, deeply committed person who would do anything on my end to make something work. For twelve years, no matter how bad things went, how I felt deep inside of heart, how hollow I was, I never once strayed. What finally took me out of that mode was the final draw. Once that was over it was over.

Now I was in this rather bizarre limbo, waiting for something to happen, or not happen.

While my heart was with someone, my physical being had to be just as committed as my heart. It's really just that simple. It was not easy, because there was no promise made, but I knew what I knew, that was I must give this a try. I had to be monogamous, I had to be devoted, and I had to love him back with everything I ever had. I must give him the opportunity to prove to me, that my wait is worth it. 

Until then, I must live my life. Be graceful, be grateful and be faithful. 

This was the person I had always known. She had returned. Finally.