I think about this often, but not so often that I'd share with him. For over two years I have written about my experiences, with him and others, but mostly with him, or about him. I want to put together a journal, a paper version of it, and send it to him as a Christmas present.
In the middle of the night, I lay awake and think about him.
It's not just some made up shit that I have concocted in my head, it feels real. The tenderness I feel about him, the overwhelming feeling of love and joy when I am with him, the sense of peace, the way how things ought to be... it is always how I felt about this relationship. I had to teach myself, restrain myself to feel, because I don't know what good could come out of it, if I just dwelled on it. I don't know because I need a sign.
Always waiting for a sign.
I have always loved him. But when he drops off from the face of earth, for extended period of time, I feel that he does not love me or want me any more. I don't believe that's true. I believe that his love for me exists and he is there for me. But I'm a married woman. He lives with his son and his son's mother. He does not plan to change anything. I don't know what is there that we can do but some stolen moments of passion.
But how could you be with someone for so long and still feel though it is just yesterday that you met; how could you feel so strongly about someone and do not know what to do without them in their lives, yet you do not expect anything to change, or anticipate a joint future, or a sign of progress, and your decisions are just some resignations.
Always waiting for a sign.
In the interim, you just continue onwards as if he does not exist in your life most of the time and not make plans even when you cannot bear of the thought of not seeing him for another day, for another week, for another month.
I don't know the answer. I can't know the answer. I am afraid of the answer.
I simply know that the thought of him not being in my life will take the fire out of me. Forever. He's the reason of my being. And I've gone around the world twice to find me, him, me and him, to know that I need him, to feel anything at all in my life. At this age, I've only just discover this feeling. It sounds strange, ridiculous and unreal, but it's true.
Everything is real. He's living and breathing. I am feeling alive because of him
If that's not love, I don't know what love is, then.
In the middle of the night, I lay awake and think about him.
It's not just some made up shit that I have concocted in my head, it feels real. The tenderness I feel about him, the overwhelming feeling of love and joy when I am with him, the sense of peace, the way how things ought to be... it is always how I felt about this relationship. I had to teach myself, restrain myself to feel, because I don't know what good could come out of it, if I just dwelled on it. I don't know because I need a sign.
Always waiting for a sign.
I have always loved him. But when he drops off from the face of earth, for extended period of time, I feel that he does not love me or want me any more. I don't believe that's true. I believe that his love for me exists and he is there for me. But I'm a married woman. He lives with his son and his son's mother. He does not plan to change anything. I don't know what is there that we can do but some stolen moments of passion.
But how could you be with someone for so long and still feel though it is just yesterday that you met; how could you feel so strongly about someone and do not know what to do without them in their lives, yet you do not expect anything to change, or anticipate a joint future, or a sign of progress, and your decisions are just some resignations.
Always waiting for a sign.
In the interim, you just continue onwards as if he does not exist in your life most of the time and not make plans even when you cannot bear of the thought of not seeing him for another day, for another week, for another month.
I don't know the answer. I can't know the answer. I am afraid of the answer.
I simply know that the thought of him not being in my life will take the fire out of me. Forever. He's the reason of my being. And I've gone around the world twice to find me, him, me and him, to know that I need him, to feel anything at all in my life. At this age, I've only just discover this feeling. It sounds strange, ridiculous and unreal, but it's true.
Everything is real. He's living and breathing. I am feeling alive because of him
If that's not love, I don't know what love is, then.
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