Up. Work meetings. Sunday morning.
Dressed. Out of the door. Picked up a friend. Then drove to Stern Grove.
Met up with some friends.
All day dancing, singing and drinking and having fun in the front lawn. Primal spot.
Pink Martini.
With friends and family and I was having fun.
Sun tanned. Happy. Danced until my feet hurt.
Drove to Richmond to see a girlfriend and her daughter after.
Met her through C.
On the way over, phone rang. It was 650 area code. I did not recognize it. So I answered.
It was C. C called from work. I had not talked to him since Friday. Told him that I deleted his phone numbers and did not recognize it, thus I answered by saying my name and did not recognize who this call was from.
C seemed shocked. He said, "You deleted my numbers?"
I had also deleted B's number. I no longer carry anyone's number in my phone.
It was the only way to erase them out of my memories. They no longer existed. They could not exist. They have ceased to exist because I cannot allow them to break my heart or hurt my feelings or treat me like that I'm someone they had control over with.
I informed C that I was with my son. Because I did not want to tell him too much or for him to say anything that would incriminate me in front of my son.
C told me that he had been at work since Sat afternoon, and that he may be able to sleep in his own bed tonight. I told him that I was taking my son to see our mutual friend in Richmond.
He said to say hi to her.
I said that I will.
He seemed to want to end the call after telling me what he was up to.
He wanted to get off the call because there was no indication that I was still interested in seeing him tonight. I had not expected him to call at all. I expected that he'd disappear and I'd disappear and we would have no problems.
He was still stuck in that mode of sharing his life with me. Telling me about his life and his day. I realized that perhaps he had developed emotions for me, and that it was all along too intense for him. He couldn't possibly respect, like and adore me and then have physical needs for me. I cannot possibly be both, it threw his balance off.
I can't be both to him, I don't want to be neither to him. I want him to stop bugging me and stop calling me but instead I said, "I can't talk right now. If you want to call me some other time, tomorrow or something, go ahead."
But I know not to pick up his calls. Even though his numbers have been erased, I do not want him to call. But I didn't want to sound like a jerk.
I also need to retrieve things from C. I also need to retrieve things from B. But B can wait. B is long gone. C is still fresh.
I was angry with C. I was sad with B.
I don't want to be with C. He was never really my type. I manufactured emotions for C but at the end of the day I couldn't tolerate anything from him.
I also don't want to be with anyone, any more. I just want to be with me and my friends. I don't know how C feels but I honestly do not care.
If he expects me to email or call, he's sadly mistaken. I may run into him from time to time because his friends are now mine, but I will not be making any more connection with him or engage him or trying to talk to him.
What I really want to tell him is to fuck off. Get out of my life. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. If you can't handle your own intensity towards me, it's your freaking problem. I can't stop being me. I am no longer someone's doormat, someone's punching bag, or someone's problem to resolve.
If you think that I'm Asian, and therefore subservient, kind and generous and can put up with bullshit, think again.
You have not met this person yet. You can't handle this version of me.
I don't want you, any one of you.
I'm done. and I'm going to be good, clean, and wholesome again.
At what expense? Yes sexually I have to shut me off, put that sexually adventurous, perverse, kinky side of me in a box. Sealed off, and shipped away.
I must learn to live with all my regrets, longing, and sorrow, I must learn to deal with this unsatisfied desires, until the end of the day.
Because I need to be good, and wholesome. Until my heart stops bleeding. And then I want to swallow the forgetting pills, And leave this era permanently, behind.
Dressed. Out of the door. Picked up a friend. Then drove to Stern Grove.
Met up with some friends.
All day dancing, singing and drinking and having fun in the front lawn. Primal spot.
Pink Martini.
With friends and family and I was having fun.
Sun tanned. Happy. Danced until my feet hurt.
Drove to Richmond to see a girlfriend and her daughter after.
Met her through C.
On the way over, phone rang. It was 650 area code. I did not recognize it. So I answered.
It was C. C called from work. I had not talked to him since Friday. Told him that I deleted his phone numbers and did not recognize it, thus I answered by saying my name and did not recognize who this call was from.
C seemed shocked. He said, "You deleted my numbers?"
I had also deleted B's number. I no longer carry anyone's number in my phone.
It was the only way to erase them out of my memories. They no longer existed. They could not exist. They have ceased to exist because I cannot allow them to break my heart or hurt my feelings or treat me like that I'm someone they had control over with.
I informed C that I was with my son. Because I did not want to tell him too much or for him to say anything that would incriminate me in front of my son.
C told me that he had been at work since Sat afternoon, and that he may be able to sleep in his own bed tonight. I told him that I was taking my son to see our mutual friend in Richmond.
He said to say hi to her.
I said that I will.
He seemed to want to end the call after telling me what he was up to.
He wanted to get off the call because there was no indication that I was still interested in seeing him tonight. I had not expected him to call at all. I expected that he'd disappear and I'd disappear and we would have no problems.
He was still stuck in that mode of sharing his life with me. Telling me about his life and his day. I realized that perhaps he had developed emotions for me, and that it was all along too intense for him. He couldn't possibly respect, like and adore me and then have physical needs for me. I cannot possibly be both, it threw his balance off.
I can't be both to him, I don't want to be neither to him. I want him to stop bugging me and stop calling me but instead I said, "I can't talk right now. If you want to call me some other time, tomorrow or something, go ahead."
But I know not to pick up his calls. Even though his numbers have been erased, I do not want him to call. But I didn't want to sound like a jerk.
I also need to retrieve things from C. I also need to retrieve things from B. But B can wait. B is long gone. C is still fresh.
I was angry with C. I was sad with B.
I don't want to be with C. He was never really my type. I manufactured emotions for C but at the end of the day I couldn't tolerate anything from him.
I also don't want to be with anyone, any more. I just want to be with me and my friends. I don't know how C feels but I honestly do not care.
If he expects me to email or call, he's sadly mistaken. I may run into him from time to time because his friends are now mine, but I will not be making any more connection with him or engage him or trying to talk to him.
What I really want to tell him is to fuck off. Get out of my life. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. If you can't handle your own intensity towards me, it's your freaking problem. I can't stop being me. I am no longer someone's doormat, someone's punching bag, or someone's problem to resolve.
If you think that I'm Asian, and therefore subservient, kind and generous and can put up with bullshit, think again.
You have not met this person yet. You can't handle this version of me.
I don't want you, any one of you.
I'm done. and I'm going to be good, clean, and wholesome again.
At what expense? Yes sexually I have to shut me off, put that sexually adventurous, perverse, kinky side of me in a box. Sealed off, and shipped away.
I must learn to live with all my regrets, longing, and sorrow, I must learn to deal with this unsatisfied desires, until the end of the day.
Because I need to be good, and wholesome. Until my heart stops bleeding. And then I want to swallow the forgetting pills, And leave this era permanently, behind.
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