When I was preparing for my first half marathon, I was running in September in the Central Coast, one night, it was dark and the moon was shining, I was on a trail running and listening to some dance music, there was this song called "Rain", and it had lyrics like "Are we supposed to find the soul mate? Isn't life not complete until we find the soul mate", I couldn't remember the details but I did remember tears trailing down my cheek. I was trying to forget about A. A came into and exited out of my life in less than a month of time, and when I started to see my therapist I was in a disarray.
I had gotten so emotionally attached to A, even though we did not see each other and we lived in two different states, he and I talked nearly every day. It was just like how we used to be in the late nineties.
A was jealous and self interested person. He was controlling and did not like the fact that I was different and difficult to control. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I did know that I didn't want A to be a main source of my pleasure. A did not agree to that, and from that point on, he was finding things to be jealous about, including my alleged affair with another man, not true, and I had to spend a lot of time to put things into perspective, including finding concrete evidence.
A was satisfied with the findings but I lost my interest and I was feeling sorry for myself for having gotten involved with someone who was this intense and difficult to deal with.
Enter B.
I fell in love with B.
But I still spent six months trying to move A out of my life. Without much success.
He hovered. He continued to try to figure me out. And at some point, we stopped talking and then resumed talking. I found him to be taxing and nosy, and I found him to fear of running into me but secretively wished that he could.
I got to a point where I didn't want to talk to him anymore, but someone he always came back to me and asking about what I was up to or how I was handling my situations.
My situations got dissolved. There were no situation to speak of any more. I was once again a good woman with good virtue. I did not have any secrets any more. I still longed and lusted men but I couldn't possibly reengage my emotions with men.
A never thought of me as smart. He always had this impression of me being a seducer, a sexy being. It was difficult to convince him otherwise. I thought perhaps men categorized women into two types. The fuckable kind and the non-fuckable kind.
But telling A that I did not want to start anything with anyone, ever again, and rather live in this loverless, sexless life seemed to pose a new challenge for A.
He sent me messages day in and day out, and letting me know when he'd come to California. He fell into the same pattern of briefing me about his whereabouts and when he would be in town. I did not need nor cared to know. I read A's note and I wondered to myself, "How come you don't want to reply?" I would in the past suggested to meet up with A, but now I just did not want to bother.
There was nothing to be gained from seeing A. I never wanted to have sex with him. I never wanted to validate what I knew before, which was that I couldn't possibly have ever felt anything for him. He was a user, a mass manipulator, and insanely jealous.
But A was right about one thing. I thought that I had a real thing with B. A said "How could it be? You only saw him every six to eight weeks." A was right, but when you were in love, no negative things other siad about your lover made you want to leave your lover, you just turned the other way. One ear in one ear out.
A was right.
B was the worst kind of all. He said all the right things but then he disappeared.
A was at least straight forward, and I was no longer feeling anything about A other than a complicated past.
A would be in town for a few days.
He sent me a note to tell me just that.
I would not reply.
I have finally learned to say no, and this full circle had been completed.
I had gotten so emotionally attached to A, even though we did not see each other and we lived in two different states, he and I talked nearly every day. It was just like how we used to be in the late nineties.
A was jealous and self interested person. He was controlling and did not like the fact that I was different and difficult to control. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I did know that I didn't want A to be a main source of my pleasure. A did not agree to that, and from that point on, he was finding things to be jealous about, including my alleged affair with another man, not true, and I had to spend a lot of time to put things into perspective, including finding concrete evidence.
A was satisfied with the findings but I lost my interest and I was feeling sorry for myself for having gotten involved with someone who was this intense and difficult to deal with.
Enter B.
I fell in love with B.
But I still spent six months trying to move A out of my life. Without much success.
He hovered. He continued to try to figure me out. And at some point, we stopped talking and then resumed talking. I found him to be taxing and nosy, and I found him to fear of running into me but secretively wished that he could.
I got to a point where I didn't want to talk to him anymore, but someone he always came back to me and asking about what I was up to or how I was handling my situations.
My situations got dissolved. There were no situation to speak of any more. I was once again a good woman with good virtue. I did not have any secrets any more. I still longed and lusted men but I couldn't possibly reengage my emotions with men.
A never thought of me as smart. He always had this impression of me being a seducer, a sexy being. It was difficult to convince him otherwise. I thought perhaps men categorized women into two types. The fuckable kind and the non-fuckable kind.
But telling A that I did not want to start anything with anyone, ever again, and rather live in this loverless, sexless life seemed to pose a new challenge for A.
He sent me messages day in and day out, and letting me know when he'd come to California. He fell into the same pattern of briefing me about his whereabouts and when he would be in town. I did not need nor cared to know. I read A's note and I wondered to myself, "How come you don't want to reply?" I would in the past suggested to meet up with A, but now I just did not want to bother.
There was nothing to be gained from seeing A. I never wanted to have sex with him. I never wanted to validate what I knew before, which was that I couldn't possibly have ever felt anything for him. He was a user, a mass manipulator, and insanely jealous.
But A was right about one thing. I thought that I had a real thing with B. A said "How could it be? You only saw him every six to eight weeks." A was right, but when you were in love, no negative things other siad about your lover made you want to leave your lover, you just turned the other way. One ear in one ear out.
A was right.
B was the worst kind of all. He said all the right things but then he disappeared.
A was at least straight forward, and I was no longer feeling anything about A other than a complicated past.
A would be in town for a few days.
He sent me a note to tell me just that.
I would not reply.
I have finally learned to say no, and this full circle had been completed.
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