I knew exactly what happened. With my prior relationships. I took them too seriously and operated them as if they were real ones. I was with men who were too old too stubborn too set in their ways. I should have been with much younger men, men who did not see me as a threat, who did not treat me with disrespect, who were more accomplished and more grown up. Men who were able to get married and otherwise fine in their different aspects of their lives.
I was beginning to wonder what I went wrong. What went wrong was that I started to treat these fringe relationships as if I was entering real relationships. I gave in and I also was not compatible with them.
I cared too much, I was too interested in their lives, I was too vested in their business and I was a little too demanding of their time. It should have been more casual, more sexual, and less emotional.
I should never stayed at their places, I should never had any email communication with them, I should never indulged their fantasies. But at the same time, I should never gotten involved with men who were controlling and who were not good with relationships.
A perfect side relationship is like this:
With a married, successful, intellectual, younger man.
Do not plan on any dates.
Email sparely. Email or text only if you plan to meet up.
Has synchronicity. Can be friends even when sexual conduct ends.
Has mutual respect and boundaries are set before the relationship starts.
Make mutual effort to see each other on a semi regular basis.
Has the same type of career path - executives. In the same tech industry. Has a sense of himself. Likes you as if you are his equal. Raised by good families, preferably a professor's son. In a happy marriage. Loves his wife. Respects her and do not ever want to leave her.
Create opportunities with you to have a good time. But do not treat it seriously. Well traveled and successful financially.
Tall. Has to be tall. Tall men are great because they are naturally confident.
Young. Has to be younger than you. Younger men are great because they last forever in bed and they are self confident.
Do not ever have any expectations.
Treat the relationship as if this is the last time you'd meet and ask yourself, what if he leaves? The answer should always be this: It's OK, your life will not be impacted.
Don't ever force yourself. If your gut tells you it's not alright, the person is either not in it or if the person is sort of in it but not sure about it, it's time to move on.
Follow your inner voice. Does it tell you to stop? If you hear it. Stop it. Does it tell you not to stop? If you hear it, continue.
Find someone who likes you more than you like him. You must never forget to do that. He should remember your jokes, your stories. You should not have to feel that you should remember his. He's not nearly as important to you.
I wish that I could write this to B: Dear B, I wish that we could just have good sex and nothing else. I wish that we could meet on occasion, have great sex, and never feel obligated to write to each other in between our absence. I wish you could know what I feel today, which is I really do not want to have more than great sex. I wish that you know that I know what I didn't know before:that is, I wish we never did all those email exchanges in between our visits. I wish that we kept it casual, fun and not serious and taxing. I truly wish that we never got so intense and so emotional. I wish that you had never told me that you loved me, and wanted me to be with you. I wish that when you said goodbye you could just say, "See you around." or make a lunch date and we just have food and not fucking. I wish that we could be friends. But since you'd never be my friend and only wanted me when you wanted me, it's too bad that we could no longer have fun any more. I would never know what you wanted or how you felt, but I knew that I should have left before I felt anything. P.S. It was more fun when you and I were more casual, at the beginning. I would still fuck you, down the road, maybe, but I can't be emotionally involved with you, it was a complete waste of my time. Sex was fun though. I miss that more than I miss you.
I wish that I could write this to C: Dear C, I'm sorry that I used you to get over B. I was never really into you, I should not have talked myself into thinking that maybe one day I could grow to like you. Sex was marginally OK. I used to lie on my back and think about B when you fucked me. You were never really that interesting or funny. I only put up with you so that I could have sex with you. Even though I was bored out of my mind half of the time. Your only redeeming value is that you know how to cook limited dishes. They were good and they were fine but I really would rather be eating out because I'm a true foodie. You were so set in your own ways I would go crazy if you were really in my life. One day I might consider being a friend to you, but not being in contact makes me feel that I was so relieved and so happy that you were out of my life. Would I still come and visit you? I don't know. Right now I just need distance and right now I really just would rather never to see you again. You kind of bored me. I am so not into boring men. Enjoy your meaningless life and your insecurities.
Have I learned anything at all? Yes I did. I learned that I like men who like me and who do not expect things out of me. I like men who were easy going and do not create false expectations.
I also learned that I do not want my life to be complicated and full of problematic men. They sort of sucked the living lights out of me.
I am going to focus on friendship, work, family, and activities going forward.
I'm going to be renewed.
I'm going to be fine.
I was beginning to wonder what I went wrong. What went wrong was that I started to treat these fringe relationships as if I was entering real relationships. I gave in and I also was not compatible with them.
I cared too much, I was too interested in their lives, I was too vested in their business and I was a little too demanding of their time. It should have been more casual, more sexual, and less emotional.
I should never stayed at their places, I should never had any email communication with them, I should never indulged their fantasies. But at the same time, I should never gotten involved with men who were controlling and who were not good with relationships.
A perfect side relationship is like this:
With a married, successful, intellectual, younger man.
Do not plan on any dates.
Email sparely. Email or text only if you plan to meet up.
Has synchronicity. Can be friends even when sexual conduct ends.
Has mutual respect and boundaries are set before the relationship starts.
Make mutual effort to see each other on a semi regular basis.
Has the same type of career path - executives. In the same tech industry. Has a sense of himself. Likes you as if you are his equal. Raised by good families, preferably a professor's son. In a happy marriage. Loves his wife. Respects her and do not ever want to leave her.
Create opportunities with you to have a good time. But do not treat it seriously. Well traveled and successful financially.
Tall. Has to be tall. Tall men are great because they are naturally confident.
Young. Has to be younger than you. Younger men are great because they last forever in bed and they are self confident.
Do not ever have any expectations.
Treat the relationship as if this is the last time you'd meet and ask yourself, what if he leaves? The answer should always be this: It's OK, your life will not be impacted.
Don't ever force yourself. If your gut tells you it's not alright, the person is either not in it or if the person is sort of in it but not sure about it, it's time to move on.
Follow your inner voice. Does it tell you to stop? If you hear it. Stop it. Does it tell you not to stop? If you hear it, continue.
Find someone who likes you more than you like him. You must never forget to do that. He should remember your jokes, your stories. You should not have to feel that you should remember his. He's not nearly as important to you.
I wish that I could write this to B: Dear B, I wish that we could just have good sex and nothing else. I wish that we could meet on occasion, have great sex, and never feel obligated to write to each other in between our absence. I wish you could know what I feel today, which is I really do not want to have more than great sex. I wish that you know that I know what I didn't know before:that is, I wish we never did all those email exchanges in between our visits. I wish that we kept it casual, fun and not serious and taxing. I truly wish that we never got so intense and so emotional. I wish that you had never told me that you loved me, and wanted me to be with you. I wish that when you said goodbye you could just say, "See you around." or make a lunch date and we just have food and not fucking. I wish that we could be friends. But since you'd never be my friend and only wanted me when you wanted me, it's too bad that we could no longer have fun any more. I would never know what you wanted or how you felt, but I knew that I should have left before I felt anything. P.S. It was more fun when you and I were more casual, at the beginning. I would still fuck you, down the road, maybe, but I can't be emotionally involved with you, it was a complete waste of my time. Sex was fun though. I miss that more than I miss you.
I wish that I could write this to C: Dear C, I'm sorry that I used you to get over B. I was never really into you, I should not have talked myself into thinking that maybe one day I could grow to like you. Sex was marginally OK. I used to lie on my back and think about B when you fucked me. You were never really that interesting or funny. I only put up with you so that I could have sex with you. Even though I was bored out of my mind half of the time. Your only redeeming value is that you know how to cook limited dishes. They were good and they were fine but I really would rather be eating out because I'm a true foodie. You were so set in your own ways I would go crazy if you were really in my life. One day I might consider being a friend to you, but not being in contact makes me feel that I was so relieved and so happy that you were out of my life. Would I still come and visit you? I don't know. Right now I just need distance and right now I really just would rather never to see you again. You kind of bored me. I am so not into boring men. Enjoy your meaningless life and your insecurities.
Have I learned anything at all? Yes I did. I learned that I like men who like me and who do not expect things out of me. I like men who were easy going and do not create false expectations.
I also learned that I do not want my life to be complicated and full of problematic men. They sort of sucked the living lights out of me.
I am going to focus on friendship, work, family, and activities going forward.
I'm going to be renewed.
I'm going to be fine.
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