I didn't believe in going back. There was no turning back. This time.
Yet something did rewind. Last night. Seeing him made me realize that I started something that I should not have, and when that trend continued, I became someone I should not have become.
On the eve of August 21, which was the same night when I remet up with A two years ago, I re-remet with him again. It was a visit that I needed because I needed to wrap something in my head. I needed to know if he was responsible for everything, for my mistakes, over and over and over again since then.
A, B, C . . .
A was the first, and the last, man I was ever physically involved with, before I entered the marital institution, and before I existed the institution. He was there for a reason, always at the fork of the road, he appeared to guide me or misguide me.
"Tell me, did you used to live just off Fillmore?" I was drinking my Corona, the dive bar did not have good wine, or wine, for that matter. It was not San Francisco, it was the south bay.
"I did, near California." He said. I remembered vaguely the visits I paid to him, the visits that always ended up with me having sex and then leaving before it was too late. I didn't want to stay in his place. I did not want to be just a number, so I made myself a non-number.
We connected over instant messaging and emails. We became friends and we went out as a group. I met some of his friends. I liked them. They liked me. Some became very close friends of mine. He respected me and liked me, until, I was bored of the lack of progression. I moved on, he did not. He liked math. He majored in math. He was a smart guy who was savvy in the internet space. He hit it big, got very lucky. He was someone who enjoyed Taco Bell, and he was cute in his ways. I was not really sure how I felt about him, or not felt about him. I just stopped feeling and moved on.
I always liked him. It was instinctive. You either liked a guy and knew that he liked you, or you didn't necessarily liked a guy and knew that he liked you. It just depended on the circumstance. I needed to know if there was any chemistry, but I didn't think we'd have sex. I was not interested in that, I wanted to be wholesome and good. He was not going to change my plan.
He was still the same, but mellower. I was still the same, but chattier. When I no longer felt that I was desired by a man I became myself, or when I was feeling comfortable with a man. I always felt comfortable with E. E was my equal. When we went out, he called it "outing" and not "dating". Because we had long passed that time. When I was with A the first time, it felt like dating, then it felt like outing, and then when we remet, it felt like dating again, and this time, this time, felt like an outing. During an outing, A put his hand behind me, he caressed me like no time had ever passed. I was once his girl, and I suppose in his end, I would always be his girl.
A turned me on. Some men just did that without tryng. A and B and sometimes E. But A turned me on in a very quick second, unlike B or E. A just immediately turned me on. I liked that.
C and D required a bit more work. Maybe because they were both from Boston. Maybe because that was just how they worked. But C and D had a control over me whereas A, B and E did not. C and D got in my head in a way no other man wood.
B was a special case. The thought of B made my brain hurt. The thought of B made me want to cry. B broke me in a rather unique way. He created a fantasy, and he made it looked real, and then he disappeared the moment he felt anything. I had nothing, absolutely nothing to feel but just pure hate. For a while I hated B. Then I discarded him. Then I found that I liked him. We enjoyed somethings together and we liked each other, and then we just stopped. I had to stop being someone whom I was not, and the only way I had to become who I was, was to stop loving someone. When I loved someone I was no longer me. That was the problem.
For that reason, I believed why A, C and D liked me. I was a much funnier, sillier, and happier person when I did not love them.
I often wondered if we could feel a certain way for someone all the time.
Or we just felt that we could move on eventually without having to understand why.
A would always be that person who ignited me. Who knew enough about me, who knew the version before, the version in between and the version after.
When A and I said goodbye, he kissed me, just like that we were kissing. He was aroused, I could tell, he was tall and I was short. I always felt strange standing next to tall men. But I also enjoyed it. I had a lot of experience with tall men. Tall men seem to like petite women. There was something to be said about opposites attract.
But then I had to go, I had to go because I was going to be good and wholesome again. I would otherwise be having sex with A, and while I had stopped having sex with B, C, D, and E, I must stop having sex, period.
I was driving home and I thought to myself, if he never turned his back on me the first time, I would have not met my now spouse; if he did not turn his back on me the second time, I would have not re-met B.
So really, everything really started with A, and by seeing A again, I was able to put the past behind me, and I would need to move on. This time, I have finally let B go.
Yet something did rewind. Last night. Seeing him made me realize that I started something that I should not have, and when that trend continued, I became someone I should not have become.
On the eve of August 21, which was the same night when I remet up with A two years ago, I re-remet with him again. It was a visit that I needed because I needed to wrap something in my head. I needed to know if he was responsible for everything, for my mistakes, over and over and over again since then.
A, B, C . . .
A was the first, and the last, man I was ever physically involved with, before I entered the marital institution, and before I existed the institution. He was there for a reason, always at the fork of the road, he appeared to guide me or misguide me.
"Tell me, did you used to live just off Fillmore?" I was drinking my Corona, the dive bar did not have good wine, or wine, for that matter. It was not San Francisco, it was the south bay.
"I did, near California." He said. I remembered vaguely the visits I paid to him, the visits that always ended up with me having sex and then leaving before it was too late. I didn't want to stay in his place. I did not want to be just a number, so I made myself a non-number.
We connected over instant messaging and emails. We became friends and we went out as a group. I met some of his friends. I liked them. They liked me. Some became very close friends of mine. He respected me and liked me, until, I was bored of the lack of progression. I moved on, he did not. He liked math. He majored in math. He was a smart guy who was savvy in the internet space. He hit it big, got very lucky. He was someone who enjoyed Taco Bell, and he was cute in his ways. I was not really sure how I felt about him, or not felt about him. I just stopped feeling and moved on.
I always liked him. It was instinctive. You either liked a guy and knew that he liked you, or you didn't necessarily liked a guy and knew that he liked you. It just depended on the circumstance. I needed to know if there was any chemistry, but I didn't think we'd have sex. I was not interested in that, I wanted to be wholesome and good. He was not going to change my plan.
He was still the same, but mellower. I was still the same, but chattier. When I no longer felt that I was desired by a man I became myself, or when I was feeling comfortable with a man. I always felt comfortable with E. E was my equal. When we went out, he called it "outing" and not "dating". Because we had long passed that time. When I was with A the first time, it felt like dating, then it felt like outing, and then when we remet, it felt like dating again, and this time, this time, felt like an outing. During an outing, A put his hand behind me, he caressed me like no time had ever passed. I was once his girl, and I suppose in his end, I would always be his girl.
A turned me on. Some men just did that without tryng. A and B and sometimes E. But A turned me on in a very quick second, unlike B or E. A just immediately turned me on. I liked that.
C and D required a bit more work. Maybe because they were both from Boston. Maybe because that was just how they worked. But C and D had a control over me whereas A, B and E did not. C and D got in my head in a way no other man wood.
B was a special case. The thought of B made my brain hurt. The thought of B made me want to cry. B broke me in a rather unique way. He created a fantasy, and he made it looked real, and then he disappeared the moment he felt anything. I had nothing, absolutely nothing to feel but just pure hate. For a while I hated B. Then I discarded him. Then I found that I liked him. We enjoyed somethings together and we liked each other, and then we just stopped. I had to stop being someone whom I was not, and the only way I had to become who I was, was to stop loving someone. When I loved someone I was no longer me. That was the problem.
For that reason, I believed why A, C and D liked me. I was a much funnier, sillier, and happier person when I did not love them.
I often wondered if we could feel a certain way for someone all the time.
Or we just felt that we could move on eventually without having to understand why.
A would always be that person who ignited me. Who knew enough about me, who knew the version before, the version in between and the version after.
When A and I said goodbye, he kissed me, just like that we were kissing. He was aroused, I could tell, he was tall and I was short. I always felt strange standing next to tall men. But I also enjoyed it. I had a lot of experience with tall men. Tall men seem to like petite women. There was something to be said about opposites attract.
But then I had to go, I had to go because I was going to be good and wholesome again. I would otherwise be having sex with A, and while I had stopped having sex with B, C, D, and E, I must stop having sex, period.
I was driving home and I thought to myself, if he never turned his back on me the first time, I would have not met my now spouse; if he did not turn his back on me the second time, I would have not re-met B.
So really, everything really started with A, and by seeing A again, I was able to put the past behind me, and I would need to move on. This time, I have finally let B go.
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