This morning I woke up from a rather strange dream. I remembered something that I had forgotten. I was about 21 at the time, I met this guy somewhere, maybe a night club or something. He owned a business on Lombard, and he lived in Bernal Heights, just off Casar Chavez, up on a hill. It used to be called Army Street. He was much older, and he was quite affluent. He used to bring me to his beautiful house and there he lived with his mother. He was never married but had a young daughter from another relationship.
He used to go down on me a lot, and I learned to squirt when I was with him.
I was young and easily bored. One day I stopped going there.
I had not remembered this episode until just in my dream. I thought afterwards, when would I stop remembering things?
I had lost over a decade worth of memory. It was never an intentional thing. It sort of just happened. But now as I started to hang out with people in the city again, these memories started to sneak up on me.
One day I was thinking perhaps I would start to remember the better part of my years, like when I was just turning 30, and how my life was about to start, for real this time, and how I was soon pregnant when I was 30, and had my first child when I was 31. She brought so much joy into my life.
I grew a beautiful garden, I was a great cook and I was a wonderful wife once. I ran a consulting practice and a business. I made good money but I was not satisfied until more morning came in.
It was during those years I learned that I could be everything that I ever wanted to be, and much more.
Then I ran into this so called midlife crisis and everything fell apart.
I had recently started to take a stock of my life. What I used to have, what I have today and what I want for tomorrow.
It was not that surprising that I now have a different perspective in life and different desires and wants.
It was just that I wish that I could be a little less vested in my past life and more vested in my current and future life.
There is no other way to get through this. I have to move forward. I must put my past behind me. I must get over my issues and pave a new path.
And on that note, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and work myself into a frenzy. I have to get used to this version of me, and begin to grow up.
He used to go down on me a lot, and I learned to squirt when I was with him.
I was young and easily bored. One day I stopped going there.
I had not remembered this episode until just in my dream. I thought afterwards, when would I stop remembering things?
I had lost over a decade worth of memory. It was never an intentional thing. It sort of just happened. But now as I started to hang out with people in the city again, these memories started to sneak up on me.
One day I was thinking perhaps I would start to remember the better part of my years, like when I was just turning 30, and how my life was about to start, for real this time, and how I was soon pregnant when I was 30, and had my first child when I was 31. She brought so much joy into my life.
I grew a beautiful garden, I was a great cook and I was a wonderful wife once. I ran a consulting practice and a business. I made good money but I was not satisfied until more morning came in.
It was during those years I learned that I could be everything that I ever wanted to be, and much more.
Then I ran into this so called midlife crisis and everything fell apart.
I had recently started to take a stock of my life. What I used to have, what I have today and what I want for tomorrow.
It was not that surprising that I now have a different perspective in life and different desires and wants.
It was just that I wish that I could be a little less vested in my past life and more vested in my current and future life.
There is no other way to get through this. I have to move forward. I must put my past behind me. I must get over my issues and pave a new path.
And on that note, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and work myself into a frenzy. I have to get used to this version of me, and begin to grow up.
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