Saying No

I realized that I do not require companionship. I require inspiration, tension, affection, and connection.

Once that realization was made, I was relieved.

I needed to get rid of physical connection with men. Men cannot seem to see me as a sexual being if they respected and liked me. Men like C.

I was craving for that physical intimacy but I could not have that if I wanted to have a meaningful relationship with men who I respect and like.

It's a curse. They couldn't have both with me.

They felt too intense. They couldn't have both.

I coudn't either, really. I couldn't have both.

That's why I could be with men on occasion but if I started to treat it as a relationship, then all of the alarms would go off.

A wrote to me again. He couldn't seem to get over me.

I didn't want to talk to him. He's old news.

C talked to me. He wanted to hang out, on Sunday evening.

I told him no, because that's too late and I need to be home at a reasonable hour.

So he said how about earlier?

Earlier was better. He wants to see me at his place.

That's fine. But there was absolutely no way that I'd ever ever ever have sex with him, ever again.

I was finally happy with the way it was. I was done with my emotions. I was done with being physically intimate with men.

I couldn't because my heart was a fragile thing.

I couldn't be subject myself to any of that drama anyway.

I must assert strength.

It was whatever it was. I would always be successful, career wise. I would be respected, admired. But I could not be loved.

It's a curse. And therefore, I was going to be OK after all.

I would take control of my life.

I had learned to say no.