Too soon to reflect. But sometimes an ending is desperately needed. We all need to move on.
I had not realized that this replacement, C would mean anything to me, and in the process of trying to get him to replace B, I had developed genuine feelings for him. Except that I couldn't tolerate him. He could not make any mistakes, have any different thoughts, and really he could not have met my needs in the long term. His weakness was always magnified, his mishap was intolerable, and his views, his thoughts and his way of living, bored me, disgusted me and frankly burdened me.
C was a replacement, and I had to psych myself to be with him. I thought that I could, and I tried to put on a persona so that I could be in it, physically and emotionally I tried.
In the end I couldn't. I had been so relieved when he wanted to stay in touch with me, wanted to be friends with me, and wanted to hang out with me.
Because I felt that in a way I had the upper hand, I hated losing. I hated being the one who was left out. But I also knew that was the best way to exit, to leave while he was still wrapped up in this, I left, and the way I left was simple, I had planned to go out with him at a time and date, and then I just disappeared. I planned the exit and disappeared.
I planned no response, I deleted his phone numbers, and I erased everything about him. It was really that easy. It was like he never existed. He would not be hearing from me. He would not be receiving any more communication from me, he would perhaps wonder what happened to me, but he would not be hearing from me.
At the root of all this, he felt insecure, I felt it. I felt his fear, he said that he was scared, it was getting too intense, and he had to go into retreat mode. I thought that was interesting, how could he call it intense? I felt nothing. I was simply here and there, and I was not making any demands. If he felt that my existence in his life made him feel something, anything at all, it would be crime? How come I did not feel any intensity at all? Was my state of being scared him so? How could I be the person who received no intensity at all? He had talked to me, emailed me and engaged me, and even demanded my presence, and then said it was too intense for him. It was strange in so many levels. I had realized that perhaps I had taken this for granted, and I had not seen that my strength, my state of being scared him, made him feel things he should not feel, and he had to go to a place where his feeling was not stirred up and he was safe in his own shell.
I couldn't understand why it could be intense. The only intensity that I ever felt was my feeling for my ex. I had never felt anything for anyone else. It was all just simulated motions. I couldn't comprehend these feelings these men claimed that they felt. He wanted me in his life, but he couldn't possibly stop feeling the intensity. He tried to do something about it, without any regard of my own feelings. I wanted friendship but only if the intention was pure. These conflicting signals made me feel rather - enraged.
I did not need him telling me that he was feeling intense, and that my presence of being in his life threw the balance off. He wanted me but he can't have me and he can't let me go. The guy needed to figure that shit out. I had no intention to be serious, and I could not feel the intensity. It felt mundane, a little boring and even a bit uneventful.
He wanted to know every details of my life, and he was careful not to mention my spouse in his construct. It was my children and me. He wanted to believe that I was only for him. But I was not. I told him about my ex, my relationship with him, and I told him about everyone I was involved with in the past, and that also scared him. He wanted me, he admired me, and he was conflicted about his feelings for me. He wanted me in his life but not so much to stir up the intensity.
To that I said, good, I'm out. I'm out and I don't want to be part of that.
I had only loved one person who did not love me back in the end. I had only lived in one fantasy life and the rest was just side notes.
I had only needed one thing and no one but he provided that.
He was gone. Long gone.
No one needed to replace him in the end. No one could.
I had therefore decided that upon reflection, he must go too. He had to go.
I erased his phone numbers.
I deleted his photos. emails and address.
He no longer existed.
He was gone. I was no longer part of his life.
I would offer no explanation.
I felt, strangely relieved.
In the end, he meant nothing to me. I couldn't wait to find a reason to rid of him.
In the end, my sorrow remained with my relationship with my ex.
In the very end, I had concluded that this was exactly what I had meant to do, to rid of the last person in my life so that I could start afresh.
I must move onto the next stage of my life. I shall remain loverless and I shall find meaning in life outside of my sexual intrigue.
It would be hard, but it must happen.
I must learn to be me again. This me required no affirmation from anyone. This me needed to grow up. Once for all.
I had not realized that this replacement, C would mean anything to me, and in the process of trying to get him to replace B, I had developed genuine feelings for him. Except that I couldn't tolerate him. He could not make any mistakes, have any different thoughts, and really he could not have met my needs in the long term. His weakness was always magnified, his mishap was intolerable, and his views, his thoughts and his way of living, bored me, disgusted me and frankly burdened me.
C was a replacement, and I had to psych myself to be with him. I thought that I could, and I tried to put on a persona so that I could be in it, physically and emotionally I tried.
In the end I couldn't. I had been so relieved when he wanted to stay in touch with me, wanted to be friends with me, and wanted to hang out with me.
Because I felt that in a way I had the upper hand, I hated losing. I hated being the one who was left out. But I also knew that was the best way to exit, to leave while he was still wrapped up in this, I left, and the way I left was simple, I had planned to go out with him at a time and date, and then I just disappeared. I planned the exit and disappeared.
I planned no response, I deleted his phone numbers, and I erased everything about him. It was really that easy. It was like he never existed. He would not be hearing from me. He would not be receiving any more communication from me, he would perhaps wonder what happened to me, but he would not be hearing from me.
At the root of all this, he felt insecure, I felt it. I felt his fear, he said that he was scared, it was getting too intense, and he had to go into retreat mode. I thought that was interesting, how could he call it intense? I felt nothing. I was simply here and there, and I was not making any demands. If he felt that my existence in his life made him feel something, anything at all, it would be crime? How come I did not feel any intensity at all? Was my state of being scared him so? How could I be the person who received no intensity at all? He had talked to me, emailed me and engaged me, and even demanded my presence, and then said it was too intense for him. It was strange in so many levels. I had realized that perhaps I had taken this for granted, and I had not seen that my strength, my state of being scared him, made him feel things he should not feel, and he had to go to a place where his feeling was not stirred up and he was safe in his own shell.
I couldn't understand why it could be intense. The only intensity that I ever felt was my feeling for my ex. I had never felt anything for anyone else. It was all just simulated motions. I couldn't comprehend these feelings these men claimed that they felt. He wanted me in his life, but he couldn't possibly stop feeling the intensity. He tried to do something about it, without any regard of my own feelings. I wanted friendship but only if the intention was pure. These conflicting signals made me feel rather - enraged.
I did not need him telling me that he was feeling intense, and that my presence of being in his life threw the balance off. He wanted me but he can't have me and he can't let me go. The guy needed to figure that shit out. I had no intention to be serious, and I could not feel the intensity. It felt mundane, a little boring and even a bit uneventful.
He wanted to know every details of my life, and he was careful not to mention my spouse in his construct. It was my children and me. He wanted to believe that I was only for him. But I was not. I told him about my ex, my relationship with him, and I told him about everyone I was involved with in the past, and that also scared him. He wanted me, he admired me, and he was conflicted about his feelings for me. He wanted me in his life but not so much to stir up the intensity.
To that I said, good, I'm out. I'm out and I don't want to be part of that.
I had only loved one person who did not love me back in the end. I had only lived in one fantasy life and the rest was just side notes.
I had only needed one thing and no one but he provided that.
He was gone. Long gone.
No one needed to replace him in the end. No one could.
I had therefore decided that upon reflection, he must go too. He had to go.
I erased his phone numbers.
I deleted his photos. emails and address.
He no longer existed.
He was gone. I was no longer part of his life.
I would offer no explanation.
I felt, strangely relieved.
In the end, he meant nothing to me. I couldn't wait to find a reason to rid of him.
In the end, my sorrow remained with my relationship with my ex.
In the very end, I had concluded that this was exactly what I had meant to do, to rid of the last person in my life so that I could start afresh.
I must move onto the next stage of my life. I shall remain loverless and I shall find meaning in life outside of my sexual intrigue.
It would be hard, but it must happen.
I must learn to be me again. This me required no affirmation from anyone. This me needed to grow up. Once for all.
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