Devastated.
Sick.
Exhausted.
Bored.
Nothing to look forward to.
Every day is like another day.
This is the end of my journey.
Every day from now until the end will be nothing but mundane day to day.
Only thoughts I had was when I first felt something, it was August 2011.
Two years ago.
A came into my life.
Has not left. Though I've not seen him since the last meeting we had in early September 2011.
A still im's me on FB.
A never left. Found me after I've been dodging him for twelve years.
A is the same age as B. Went to the same graduate school program. A is 6'4". Blue blood.
A found a woman who was from my city. A came here to visit often. I hope never to run into A.
A still has the same attachment as my real ex does.
I don't know why but tall men like me more than I like them.
A said that the sex was great.
I said, what, I thought it was awful. I couldn't remember a thing. I am certain I won't remember much about B or C in two years of time, or D or E.
A tried to lecture me just like my ex who's 6'3" did.
I kind of want to punch A.
A wanted to see me and then he got weird on me, so I bailed, by telling him to fuck off. He said that I disappeared on him. Just like fourteen years ago.
Why did A try to turn it around on me?
B really did not give a shit.
B was the real asshole.
By transference I think of C as an asshole. Both 5'10".
Short men in my world are always assholes. Tall men tend to want to protect me. Think that I should be theirs. I don't know why.
A and my real ex from the east coast. Both tall. Both think I was fantastic and beautiful but also like to lecture me. I tend to talk to them whenever I'm down.
Then my friend N. Who's tall and from New England. But I will never have sex with N. I will never have sex with anyone, again. Period.
A tried to pin it on me. He was the one who left me. I think. Wait, no, I was the one who left him.
A was always so demanding. Talked to me every day on google chat. Just like he used to do on AOL chat. Tried to bully me. Got upset with me. I told him to fuck off. Then he came back.
I think I'll email C and tell him officially to fuck off. But then it would be like me wanting to talk to C. I have no interest in C. To ever ever engage him. I was bored of him.
I think some men just need to be told off. But then I have no energy to do such things. He was not worth my energy.
I was wondering if I went to B because I was upset with A and then went to C because I was upset with B. I think I am the common denominator. I am the problem. I should never stir up stuff. I need to get rid of the old me.
I am going to be good from now on. No more sexual discussions, no more seduction. No more treating men like they were my conquests.
I should stop.
Great. Now I'm losing weight and becoming skinny and more attractive.
And I'm alone. No men. No sex. No nothing.
Just work, then family.
Just fabulous.
But it has to be done. I have to learn to be alone and lover-less. I have to take a hard reset and create yet another version of me. This version of me is pure, innocent, smart, sassy and sexually non-promiscuous. This version of me is no longer on the hunt. This version of me requires no maintenance. This version of me will not love another but herself. This version of me is boring but it's the only way to survive the rest of my life. I have stopped longing. I have no rights, no energy to long for another. I must preserve myself and tend my own garden.
This is really a new beginning. This is the end.
And a beginning.
Sick.
Exhausted.
Bored.
Nothing to look forward to.
Every day is like another day.
This is the end of my journey.
Every day from now until the end will be nothing but mundane day to day.
Only thoughts I had was when I first felt something, it was August 2011.
Two years ago.
A came into my life.
Has not left. Though I've not seen him since the last meeting we had in early September 2011.
A still im's me on FB.
A never left. Found me after I've been dodging him for twelve years.
A is the same age as B. Went to the same graduate school program. A is 6'4". Blue blood.
A found a woman who was from my city. A came here to visit often. I hope never to run into A.
A still has the same attachment as my real ex does.
I don't know why but tall men like me more than I like them.
A said that the sex was great.
I said, what, I thought it was awful. I couldn't remember a thing. I am certain I won't remember much about B or C in two years of time, or D or E.
A tried to lecture me just like my ex who's 6'3" did.
I kind of want to punch A.
A wanted to see me and then he got weird on me, so I bailed, by telling him to fuck off. He said that I disappeared on him. Just like fourteen years ago.
Why did A try to turn it around on me?
B really did not give a shit.
B was the real asshole.
By transference I think of C as an asshole. Both 5'10".
Short men in my world are always assholes. Tall men tend to want to protect me. Think that I should be theirs. I don't know why.
A and my real ex from the east coast. Both tall. Both think I was fantastic and beautiful but also like to lecture me. I tend to talk to them whenever I'm down.
Then my friend N. Who's tall and from New England. But I will never have sex with N. I will never have sex with anyone, again. Period.
A tried to pin it on me. He was the one who left me. I think. Wait, no, I was the one who left him.
A was always so demanding. Talked to me every day on google chat. Just like he used to do on AOL chat. Tried to bully me. Got upset with me. I told him to fuck off. Then he came back.
I think I'll email C and tell him officially to fuck off. But then it would be like me wanting to talk to C. I have no interest in C. To ever ever engage him. I was bored of him.
I think some men just need to be told off. But then I have no energy to do such things. He was not worth my energy.
I was wondering if I went to B because I was upset with A and then went to C because I was upset with B. I think I am the common denominator. I am the problem. I should never stir up stuff. I need to get rid of the old me.
I am going to be good from now on. No more sexual discussions, no more seduction. No more treating men like they were my conquests.
I should stop.
Great. Now I'm losing weight and becoming skinny and more attractive.
And I'm alone. No men. No sex. No nothing.
Just work, then family.
Just fabulous.
But it has to be done. I have to learn to be alone and lover-less. I have to take a hard reset and create yet another version of me. This version of me is pure, innocent, smart, sassy and sexually non-promiscuous. This version of me is no longer on the hunt. This version of me requires no maintenance. This version of me will not love another but herself. This version of me is boring but it's the only way to survive the rest of my life. I have stopped longing. I have no rights, no energy to long for another. I must preserve myself and tend my own garden.
This is really a new beginning. This is the end.
And a beginning.
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