So it ended.
Just like that. Everything ended.
I don't know why but part of me felt hollow and part of me felt that this was the reset I needed.
Past, wiped out. Experiences, gained. Reality, checked.
I had constantly been seeking for that elusive thing called love. I wanted love so bad, I wanted to be loved so bad that I sometimes mistake infatuation with love, I wanted sex so that it could be interpreted as love. But love had disappeared.
Love was never there to begin with. I manufactured these emotions so that I could escape the mundane and sort of feel something.
Anything.
And when that ended, it seemed the world had no meaning and the world had no purpose. It was as if I had no where to turn and no one to speak with.
I brought it all onto myself.
I closed the curtains and curled in bed. I didn't want to wake up because I had no reason to get up.
I am a very sexual being but I have no one I care to sleep with.
To that end, I have failed miserably.
But I brought it onto myself. I did not and should not and could not love. I couldn't because I was never in a position to love. And if I can't have love then I should not be sleeping with anyone who is not deserving of my attention. I'm done whoring around.
I was selfish and coward, and I was generous and brave.
I gave so much so early on, that it burned out.
Then I just went into retreat. I couldn't have everything so I would give up everything.
He said, "Can we still hang out on Sunday?" I have no answer to that question. Because my answer would have been, "No. and I'll never see you ever again. Please do not try to contact me."
He was the last one I had to excavate out of, escape from.
I did not have an answer for him. I couldn't afford an answer. I felt like screaming. I felt like the world was turned upside down. I used him to get over someone. I got over that person, but I couldn't possible be with anyone else without always thinking back to my ex.
A disturbing, turbulent, unconventional, fuck buddy turned lover turned someone I fell in love with.
I didn't and could not and will not love another.
I couldn't be this walking zombie and expect things would get better. It would not. I was hollow inside.
I tried to put on a brave face. But my heart was not in it. I was simply bouncing from one person to another to try to find something. Anything. I found nothing.
Wasted time. Wasted energy. Wasted everything.
Experiences that meant nothing. Faces no longer mean anything. People no longer mattered. Just one person from another, sex, meaningless sex. Empty hollow inside. Emotions manufactured and self realization was just an excuse to try to justify my actions. I have been a phony. I had a facade to maintain. But I was a shallow, hollow, damaged person inside.
Those were the gist of two years, only because I had tried this thing that is called love.I was regressing into my early 20s. Where I repeated the same patterns over different men. I caught a break in my mid twenties and everything was put to an end. I found myself doing that again. Professionally successful; personal life a mess, looking for love from those who were unable to give love, feeling unworthy, bored, and utterly unable to change my pattern.
Occasional inspirations found from one or two glimpses into someone's soul and we connected on occaion.
But the rest of it just felt forced. Everything. People. Events. Images.
I had written something to the last person I wanted to say goodbye to. It had been a good run. He was good for a purpose. I was not in the right space. I met him when I was trying to stop loving someone else. I met him when I was forcing myself to forget.
But here is the thing. We must move on. We must gather ourselves and get over what is needed to get over. And move on. We can't use others as crutches. We have to learn to face our own demons and resolve our own issues.
My determination is simple. I want to move on. I will move on. I will close this chapter for good. No more flings, affairs and other unnecessary headaches or heartaches. I have to move on.
I want this to be the end. An end to remember. And I shall live a clean, functional, real life from now on. This is the end.
I have to be me. I will shut down the sexual part of me, so that I could find the other wholesome side of me. This is the price I must pay. And I am ready to face the music.
Just like that. Everything ended.
I don't know why but part of me felt hollow and part of me felt that this was the reset I needed.
Past, wiped out. Experiences, gained. Reality, checked.
I had constantly been seeking for that elusive thing called love. I wanted love so bad, I wanted to be loved so bad that I sometimes mistake infatuation with love, I wanted sex so that it could be interpreted as love. But love had disappeared.
Love was never there to begin with. I manufactured these emotions so that I could escape the mundane and sort of feel something.
Anything.
And when that ended, it seemed the world had no meaning and the world had no purpose. It was as if I had no where to turn and no one to speak with.
I brought it all onto myself.
I closed the curtains and curled in bed. I didn't want to wake up because I had no reason to get up.
I am a very sexual being but I have no one I care to sleep with.
To that end, I have failed miserably.
But I brought it onto myself. I did not and should not and could not love. I couldn't because I was never in a position to love. And if I can't have love then I should not be sleeping with anyone who is not deserving of my attention. I'm done whoring around.
I was selfish and coward, and I was generous and brave.
I gave so much so early on, that it burned out.
Then I just went into retreat. I couldn't have everything so I would give up everything.
He said, "Can we still hang out on Sunday?" I have no answer to that question. Because my answer would have been, "No. and I'll never see you ever again. Please do not try to contact me."
He was the last one I had to excavate out of, escape from.
I did not have an answer for him. I couldn't afford an answer. I felt like screaming. I felt like the world was turned upside down. I used him to get over someone. I got over that person, but I couldn't possible be with anyone else without always thinking back to my ex.
A disturbing, turbulent, unconventional, fuck buddy turned lover turned someone I fell in love with.
I didn't and could not and will not love another.
I couldn't be this walking zombie and expect things would get better. It would not. I was hollow inside.
I tried to put on a brave face. But my heart was not in it. I was simply bouncing from one person to another to try to find something. Anything. I found nothing.
Wasted time. Wasted energy. Wasted everything.
Experiences that meant nothing. Faces no longer mean anything. People no longer mattered. Just one person from another, sex, meaningless sex. Empty hollow inside. Emotions manufactured and self realization was just an excuse to try to justify my actions. I have been a phony. I had a facade to maintain. But I was a shallow, hollow, damaged person inside.
Those were the gist of two years, only because I had tried this thing that is called love.I was regressing into my early 20s. Where I repeated the same patterns over different men. I caught a break in my mid twenties and everything was put to an end. I found myself doing that again. Professionally successful; personal life a mess, looking for love from those who were unable to give love, feeling unworthy, bored, and utterly unable to change my pattern.
Occasional inspirations found from one or two glimpses into someone's soul and we connected on occaion.
But the rest of it just felt forced. Everything. People. Events. Images.
I had written something to the last person I wanted to say goodbye to. It had been a good run. He was good for a purpose. I was not in the right space. I met him when I was trying to stop loving someone else. I met him when I was forcing myself to forget.
But here is the thing. We must move on. We must gather ourselves and get over what is needed to get over. And move on. We can't use others as crutches. We have to learn to face our own demons and resolve our own issues.
My determination is simple. I want to move on. I will move on. I will close this chapter for good. No more flings, affairs and other unnecessary headaches or heartaches. I have to move on.
I want this to be the end. An end to remember. And I shall live a clean, functional, real life from now on. This is the end.
I have to be me. I will shut down the sexual part of me, so that I could find the other wholesome side of me. This is the price I must pay. And I am ready to face the music.
No comments:
Post a Comment