Busy day at work again. Was just running a million mile an hour and feeling completely overwhelmed. Tomorrow the same if not busier. Meeting form 8 till 6. Then need to meet a girlfriend for a gallery reception in the Mission. I have to schedule everyone in. Lunch appointment, dinner or drinks. A friend texted me and said, "So formal." I have to. I'm otherwise losing track.
I was standing in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, after a nice but short work out in the gym. I all of sudden felt asking myself, "What would be the worst that could happen for you about B?"
My initial response was, "He's in a serious relationship. He's gotten married. He's having another baby."
Then I found myself thinking, "That's OK. It's OK if he was in a relationship, he's gotten married finally, or he's having another child with a woman."
If that was the worst that could happen for me about B, and if I was OK with all that, then really, what is there for me to worry about?
I felt like writing to B and tell him that it would be OK that he did that. A told me that he was expecting a child with a woman who was my age, and my nationality, and my height even. I was not phased. I was happy that he was able to find someone, granted, she was not nearly as hot as me, and she looked a bit bumpkin like. I knew lots of white people can't tell Asians apart. They think we all look alike. I sort of wanted to tell them in the world of attractive vs. non attractive Asian woman, I'm sort of hot. As in pretty, and not every Asian women, in fact, most Asian women are not considered as pretty as me, if they were in Asia. But that's not important.
I always knew that I was attractive. Asian girlfriends would call me gorgeous even. But most white men couldn't tell a hot vs. non hot Asian woman apart. They sort of think Asian women were cute as a race or not.
I would not feel so bad if B was to get married. Have another child, met some woman and fell in love. Men after dating me tend to do that with the next woman. It was given. I would like to tell B to not worry, that he was with another woman so soon after me. But I worried what if he was still alone, still dating, and still thinking that he and I had a thing. What if he still cared for me.
That would be the worst thing could happen to me about B. It would mean that I would still feel something, some sort of pull towards him. I would rather him to have fallen for someone else and thus found me a past that he would like to erase or forget. I would prefer that because then I could start to become his friend again. When he stops feeling anything for me, I could then reenter his life as a platonic friend. We could even have playdates for our children. We could stand around and chat about nothing as our children ran around the playground and playing police and bad guys. It would be lovely. To be friend with B again. To feel that he no longer felt anything for me, to feel that he no longer wanted me.
I wish that he could just tell me that he was with someone now, and that he did not want to feel guilty for having been with me. I wish that he could stop this non-communication non sense and think by him not addressing it, we were never broken apart.
I never really cared about anything about anyone, I simply wanted a closure. From B. For him to release me. To let me go. To not have in my memory the last thing I ever heard from him, was how much he wanted to be with me.
That's fucked up. That's truly fucked up.
I wish that I could know that he's now married. Expecting another kid. Seriously involved with someone else.
I wish that he could just let me go. By giving me the final goodbye I so deserve.
I was standing in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, after a nice but short work out in the gym. I all of sudden felt asking myself, "What would be the worst that could happen for you about B?"
My initial response was, "He's in a serious relationship. He's gotten married. He's having another baby."
Then I found myself thinking, "That's OK. It's OK if he was in a relationship, he's gotten married finally, or he's having another child with a woman."
If that was the worst that could happen for me about B, and if I was OK with all that, then really, what is there for me to worry about?
I felt like writing to B and tell him that it would be OK that he did that. A told me that he was expecting a child with a woman who was my age, and my nationality, and my height even. I was not phased. I was happy that he was able to find someone, granted, she was not nearly as hot as me, and she looked a bit bumpkin like. I knew lots of white people can't tell Asians apart. They think we all look alike. I sort of wanted to tell them in the world of attractive vs. non attractive Asian woman, I'm sort of hot. As in pretty, and not every Asian women, in fact, most Asian women are not considered as pretty as me, if they were in Asia. But that's not important.
I always knew that I was attractive. Asian girlfriends would call me gorgeous even. But most white men couldn't tell a hot vs. non hot Asian woman apart. They sort of think Asian women were cute as a race or not.
I would not feel so bad if B was to get married. Have another child, met some woman and fell in love. Men after dating me tend to do that with the next woman. It was given. I would like to tell B to not worry, that he was with another woman so soon after me. But I worried what if he was still alone, still dating, and still thinking that he and I had a thing. What if he still cared for me.
That would be the worst thing could happen to me about B. It would mean that I would still feel something, some sort of pull towards him. I would rather him to have fallen for someone else and thus found me a past that he would like to erase or forget. I would prefer that because then I could start to become his friend again. When he stops feeling anything for me, I could then reenter his life as a platonic friend. We could even have playdates for our children. We could stand around and chat about nothing as our children ran around the playground and playing police and bad guys. It would be lovely. To be friend with B again. To feel that he no longer felt anything for me, to feel that he no longer wanted me.
I wish that he could just tell me that he was with someone now, and that he did not want to feel guilty for having been with me. I wish that he could stop this non-communication non sense and think by him not addressing it, we were never broken apart.
I never really cared about anything about anyone, I simply wanted a closure. From B. For him to release me. To let me go. To not have in my memory the last thing I ever heard from him, was how much he wanted to be with me.
That's fucked up. That's truly fucked up.
I wish that I could know that he's now married. Expecting another kid. Seriously involved with someone else.
I wish that he could just let me go. By giving me the final goodbye I so deserve.
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