Sunday, ran a half marathon race. Worked a bit in the office and headed to see C. I saw him last night for sometime, but mostly I just spoke to his friends. He had an event. He has four close guy friends whom I've met. When I walked in with another guy friend of mine, one of his closest friends called me by my name. All of his friends, except for one, knew me already. And that made life a bit easier. They liked me. They knew my circumstance, they knew C liked me. I did not sleep much last night, went home at around midnight after the event, and was exhausted.
Once a week I saw C. C had a girlfriend whom he slept with once a week or so, and he did not talk to her at all. She was to C what I was to B. A booty caller. No emotional connection, bad history, and just like B did not want me to meet his friends, C did not want his girlfriend to meet his friends. Whereas I was allowed to meet his friends, and he was genuinely proud of me. He liked smart girls. I was more just someone he banged.
I was working while his friends hang around. They liked me also. They knew C liked me. His female friends liked me. I think they all thought that I had high energy and they were very inclusive of me, inviting me to events and such. That whole Chicken John / Artsy / Science, crew, the small world of San Francisco arts and performance crew. I was being folded in, slowly, I liked that. I had to.
B and I were over. This time, he cut the cord. It was the best thing for him, and I knew that it would be for me as well. He was never inclusive of me, he did not want me to be part of his broader life, and as much as I enjoyed being with him, I wanted more out of the relationship than he could have given me. He had a life without me, and I did not fit in, for whatever reason, he did not like me, and he did not want me to be part of his life. I thought that the fact that he finally disappeared meant that he had finally sorted out his stuff, he'd moved in with someone, he'd got someone more permanent, he was in another relationship now, and I was therefore, gone. I supposed that was how it would always end, he never wanted me close, and when I wanted more than he could give, he disappeared, just like that character from Blue Jasmine played by Louis CK. He was aggressive, fun and he chased after the girl, until she dumped her boyfriend for him, and then one day they were supposed to be a date, and he failed to show, and it turned out he was found out by his wife. Classy. I loved it.
A true free, single man would have wanted me more often than B did. He was having an affair with me, and he was the one who had to hide from others he was involved with. And now that was gone, and I could finally be free.
I met C's friend who stayed over last night. He liked me last night and he wanted to talk to me more. But I was tired. I took a nap and then waited for my conference call to take place. Then another friend of his came over, and he knew that C and I had been dating so he was very comfortable with me. He used to work at KQED so we talked a lot about public TV and radio. He looked like a taller, younger, cuter version of Ira Glass. He was much better looking than C, and if it was not for the fact that I was already seeing C, I'd probably be interested in him, but he was the first person C told to, and he knew that we had been dating for some time. He asked me if I had retreated to the bedroom last night, I told him no I went home instead. That was how I knew he knew that C and I were dating. C's other female friend just invited me to another event. She liked me also and thought that C probably got lucky with me, because I was smart, attractive and had my shit together. C was proud in his quiet ways of me, and told her about me and how we started to date. I liked that about C, to be so inclusive, and while he was rather worried about getting tangled up with me, I think he made no secret to others this was a relationship, and he saw me. It was working for him because I was not high maintenance and I did not wanted a traditional relationship. I was happy that C liked me enough to introduce me to his friends. I enjoyed meeting new people. I learned things from them. I met another good friend of his, the wife of this local celebrity who was a very successful scientist. I liked his friend's wife. I liked these people because while they were artsy and creative, they were extremely smart, and they were also very down to earth. C was one of the smartest men I'd come in contact with. I was always impressed by men's intellect. And C was handy. He made things with his hand. He designed things. And he made wonderful dinners.
So there I was, working away, while these guys hang out as they would normally do. C asked me if I needed something to eat, I told him just coffee. So he made me coffee. He often fed me. He took care of me. I could totally fall for him. I had never met a guy who knew how to cook like C did. I felt that in some ways when we fought - like when to see each other, it was cute, he did not want to be told when to be seen, and I could respect that. I would just wait for him to arrange for it instead. I was trying to be a bitchy so I said, "Whatever. Maybe we don't see each other this week." C would answer, "Yes we will see each other, we are two adults, we could figure out when." I trusted C. I didn't have to worry. He was introducing me to his friends. There was no intention for me to be short lived.
C wanted me to be with him on weekends. We saw a movie, had lunch, and then dinner.
I realized what I had wanted all along with B, was exactly this, the relaxed attitude, the fact that we were never able to conduct anything normal, do anything normal, outside of his bedroom should have been a warning sign. I was so wrong. I wish I did not waste my time on B, who used me thoroughly and had no regards to what I wanted. He rarely communicated with me. He was done with me a long time ago. I gave it an extra three months and then he got tired. It was the end.
I ate nicely with C, both of us were left handed. B was left handed as well but we never ate anything in his place. B did not cook nor have any food in his place. I suspect he did not even live there, it was his booty call pad. I began to believe that everything was a lie about B. He fucked me and fucked with me.
I walked out of the theatre and told C how much I loved Blue Jasmine.
C did not care for it. He had expected it to be more representative of San Francisco. This was not about San Francisco, this was about a woman who was free falling, someone who had everything, and then found her husband cheating and destroyed him, and herself.
I was free falling. I was heart broken three times by B. I thought I'd crash and burn. I could relate. I could be the crazy woman. B cheated. I was OK with it, but in the end, I wanted someone who would want to be with me, and make me his priority. I was never B's anything. He was fundamentally an asshole, who would simply disappear, or make a date but did not show up and did not even have a courtesy to tell me that he was sorry. He was the worst kind. He lied to me by telling me that he loved me, he tried to control me, and he told me millions of lies. He was my cautionary tale.
Cate Blanchett did an excellent job. She did free fall. She did end up to be crazy. She was alone and talking to no one, in her beautiful designer clothes, she was lost, and had no one to turn to. She was, utterly alone and sad and humiliated. It was not because of her losing the material world, it was because she found out her husband was leaving her after cheating behind her back for years.
I did not want to be like her. I couldn't afford to be crazy. B was toxic, manipulative, and hurtful. He stood me up more times than I could count. He was self absorbed and self interested, and he did not care anything about me.
This was the conclusion I made about B.
C was the kinder nicer and wonderful version of B.
C cared a great deal about me. C may appear to be grumpy but he was nice in real life. I liked his friends.
They like me too.
I could count on C once a week, most of the time. And we talked all the time.
And I think that's how it would be. Honesty and affection. I did not want to fall in love. I did not think that I could be in love again. And that was the best of the outcome of my experience with B, so that I could start with C, on the right footing, this time.
I was not going to become Jasmine, and I stopped free falling. Tonight. Finally.
B was dead to me. May he be gone for the rest of my life. And when he no longer mattered, we'd be acquaintance again, and I'd forgotten about everything that had ever happened.
Once a week I saw C. C had a girlfriend whom he slept with once a week or so, and he did not talk to her at all. She was to C what I was to B. A booty caller. No emotional connection, bad history, and just like B did not want me to meet his friends, C did not want his girlfriend to meet his friends. Whereas I was allowed to meet his friends, and he was genuinely proud of me. He liked smart girls. I was more just someone he banged.
I was working while his friends hang around. They liked me also. They knew C liked me. His female friends liked me. I think they all thought that I had high energy and they were very inclusive of me, inviting me to events and such. That whole Chicken John / Artsy / Science, crew, the small world of San Francisco arts and performance crew. I was being folded in, slowly, I liked that. I had to.
B and I were over. This time, he cut the cord. It was the best thing for him, and I knew that it would be for me as well. He was never inclusive of me, he did not want me to be part of his broader life, and as much as I enjoyed being with him, I wanted more out of the relationship than he could have given me. He had a life without me, and I did not fit in, for whatever reason, he did not like me, and he did not want me to be part of his life. I thought that the fact that he finally disappeared meant that he had finally sorted out his stuff, he'd moved in with someone, he'd got someone more permanent, he was in another relationship now, and I was therefore, gone. I supposed that was how it would always end, he never wanted me close, and when I wanted more than he could give, he disappeared, just like that character from Blue Jasmine played by Louis CK. He was aggressive, fun and he chased after the girl, until she dumped her boyfriend for him, and then one day they were supposed to be a date, and he failed to show, and it turned out he was found out by his wife. Classy. I loved it.
A true free, single man would have wanted me more often than B did. He was having an affair with me, and he was the one who had to hide from others he was involved with. And now that was gone, and I could finally be free.
I met C's friend who stayed over last night. He liked me last night and he wanted to talk to me more. But I was tired. I took a nap and then waited for my conference call to take place. Then another friend of his came over, and he knew that C and I had been dating so he was very comfortable with me. He used to work at KQED so we talked a lot about public TV and radio. He looked like a taller, younger, cuter version of Ira Glass. He was much better looking than C, and if it was not for the fact that I was already seeing C, I'd probably be interested in him, but he was the first person C told to, and he knew that we had been dating for some time. He asked me if I had retreated to the bedroom last night, I told him no I went home instead. That was how I knew he knew that C and I were dating. C's other female friend just invited me to another event. She liked me also and thought that C probably got lucky with me, because I was smart, attractive and had my shit together. C was proud in his quiet ways of me, and told her about me and how we started to date. I liked that about C, to be so inclusive, and while he was rather worried about getting tangled up with me, I think he made no secret to others this was a relationship, and he saw me. It was working for him because I was not high maintenance and I did not wanted a traditional relationship. I was happy that C liked me enough to introduce me to his friends. I enjoyed meeting new people. I learned things from them. I met another good friend of his, the wife of this local celebrity who was a very successful scientist. I liked his friend's wife. I liked these people because while they were artsy and creative, they were extremely smart, and they were also very down to earth. C was one of the smartest men I'd come in contact with. I was always impressed by men's intellect. And C was handy. He made things with his hand. He designed things. And he made wonderful dinners.
So there I was, working away, while these guys hang out as they would normally do. C asked me if I needed something to eat, I told him just coffee. So he made me coffee. He often fed me. He took care of me. I could totally fall for him. I had never met a guy who knew how to cook like C did. I felt that in some ways when we fought - like when to see each other, it was cute, he did not want to be told when to be seen, and I could respect that. I would just wait for him to arrange for it instead. I was trying to be a bitchy so I said, "Whatever. Maybe we don't see each other this week." C would answer, "Yes we will see each other, we are two adults, we could figure out when." I trusted C. I didn't have to worry. He was introducing me to his friends. There was no intention for me to be short lived.
C wanted me to be with him on weekends. We saw a movie, had lunch, and then dinner.
I realized what I had wanted all along with B, was exactly this, the relaxed attitude, the fact that we were never able to conduct anything normal, do anything normal, outside of his bedroom should have been a warning sign. I was so wrong. I wish I did not waste my time on B, who used me thoroughly and had no regards to what I wanted. He rarely communicated with me. He was done with me a long time ago. I gave it an extra three months and then he got tired. It was the end.
I ate nicely with C, both of us were left handed. B was left handed as well but we never ate anything in his place. B did not cook nor have any food in his place. I suspect he did not even live there, it was his booty call pad. I began to believe that everything was a lie about B. He fucked me and fucked with me.
I walked out of the theatre and told C how much I loved Blue Jasmine.
C did not care for it. He had expected it to be more representative of San Francisco. This was not about San Francisco, this was about a woman who was free falling, someone who had everything, and then found her husband cheating and destroyed him, and herself.
I was free falling. I was heart broken three times by B. I thought I'd crash and burn. I could relate. I could be the crazy woman. B cheated. I was OK with it, but in the end, I wanted someone who would want to be with me, and make me his priority. I was never B's anything. He was fundamentally an asshole, who would simply disappear, or make a date but did not show up and did not even have a courtesy to tell me that he was sorry. He was the worst kind. He lied to me by telling me that he loved me, he tried to control me, and he told me millions of lies. He was my cautionary tale.
Cate Blanchett did an excellent job. She did free fall. She did end up to be crazy. She was alone and talking to no one, in her beautiful designer clothes, she was lost, and had no one to turn to. She was, utterly alone and sad and humiliated. It was not because of her losing the material world, it was because she found out her husband was leaving her after cheating behind her back for years.
I did not want to be like her. I couldn't afford to be crazy. B was toxic, manipulative, and hurtful. He stood me up more times than I could count. He was self absorbed and self interested, and he did not care anything about me.
This was the conclusion I made about B.
C was the kinder nicer and wonderful version of B.
C cared a great deal about me. C may appear to be grumpy but he was nice in real life. I liked his friends.
They like me too.
I could count on C once a week, most of the time. And we talked all the time.
And I think that's how it would be. Honesty and affection. I did not want to fall in love. I did not think that I could be in love again. And that was the best of the outcome of my experience with B, so that I could start with C, on the right footing, this time.
I was not going to become Jasmine, and I stopped free falling. Tonight. Finally.
B was dead to me. May he be gone for the rest of my life. And when he no longer mattered, we'd be acquaintance again, and I'd forgotten about everything that had ever happened.
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